Lorna Bourke interviews a single woman who chose a different route to motherhood

LB: Kim, your story is about a journey. Tell me about the first steps.

K: Well, it was like this. One day, minding my own business, I got a letter from Ealing Council saying that as an approved foster carer they thought I was doing a brilliant job and they had a little boy that they thought I would be an ideal parent for, so had I ever considered adoption?

I had, but it was something I thought I would do when I was older, with more time and energy. My reason was not a desire to have a child of my own, but a desire to see black children in care placed with black families.

So when the call came, my question was, Why do it now? I spoke to my family and friends, asking them what they thought I should do. Unanimously they said, “Go for it!” Ultimately, I could not come up with a good enough reason not to do it, so I contacted the Adoption Team and started the process.

LB: Tell me about the moment you realized that your life was about to change?

K: The reality hit me like a ton of bricks one morning, and I sat in my office and cried. I suddenly realized that I was going to give up my career for nine months; I was going to be a mum. Questions came to my mind. Was I going to like this child? Would he like me? Supposing I wasn’t any good at it?
The introductory meetings went well. Jay’s social worker and foster carer had prepared him for meeting his new mum, and I had put together a photo album of everything and everyone dear to me, including my car! Our sessions went well, but Jay gave me back very little emotional acknowledgment. However, this did improve, and our outings were fun-filled and full of laughs.

LB: So I guess, after that it was plain sailing?

K: Not at all, Lorna. My real trial was when I had to put Jay to bed. It took me over an hour… “One more story, please … I need a drink … I’m not tired”, et cetera, until I realized that I had to take control and get him to sleep. As soon as I stepped into the role of parent, he simply said, “Okay,” and went to sleep.

Visits continued until finally it was moving day. His foster carer stayed just 15 minutes, kissed him and left. It was emotional for all of us. Jay seemed fine as we went to his newly decorated bedroom, unpacked his things and he just chatted about anything and everything, and the whole day seemed like a dream. That is until it was time for bed. This pleasant, delightful little boy went berserk, point blank refusing to go to bed. Two hours later, totally frustrated and upset I got him to bed. I sat in my living room, saying to myself ‘I just can’t do this’.

The next morning Jay got up, full of the joys of spring, and had breakfast as if nothing had happened the night before. We had a lovely day out, and everything was wonderful… until bedtime. Again, the evening ended with the same trials and tribulations as the night before. I found it impossible to comprehend how the same child could present two such different sides to his personality.

After about 2–3 weeks I got used to the tantrums, so they no longer fazed me. There were times when I felt a complete failure. I could work with a group of 30 children and have total control, but I had the one child who was testing every boundary known to man. Gradually, day by day, our relationship got better, and the bond between us grew from strength to strength.

LB: Five years on, Kim, what message do you want to pass on to anyone who would like to become a parent through adoption?

K: Just go for it. I have a picture of Jay as my screensaver at work. I think of him all the time. When he’s happy, I am. When he’s having a bad day at school, I really feel him. I can sense his anxieties and his joy. He often tells me that when he grows up and gets married, his wife and children will be living with me.

I share his dreams and belief that he belongs to me, with me and is a part of my family. He is my family… he’s my son.

If you have been moved by Kim’s story or are interested in finding out more about adoption, please call The Recruitment Team at Ealing Fostering and Adoption Connections, on FREEPHONE 0800 731 6550.